Ok let me draw you a picture. I’m a family person, I’m the youngest of 3 kids, and the husby comes from a family of 2 children. Between all our siblings there are 5 rug rats knocking about (well that’s counting all the ones that we know about… I’m looking at you little bro in law). There’s also the fact a lot of our closest friends have babies whom we see regularly. And let’s not forget I work in an environment where I am surrounded by women and in turn their bubbas quite frequently.

So it’s not a stretch to say I love babies and kids. I love my nieces and nephews both related and not a great deal, in fact some of my best moments are when I get to spend time with the bambinos in my life. I have a serious craving for the type of connection you can only get from a nerf gun fight (I think that’s what it’s called but maybs that was quite possibly an uncool aunty moment right there) with your nephew or braiding the hair of your little niece (because apparently mum can’t get it quite like Elsa’s) and don’t even get me started on couch cuddles when your baby sitting or even the sloppy, food on your face type of kisses as you say goodbye, even those make my day- Once I check the makeup is still good that is 🙂

So why when it comes to making the commitment to having my own babies do I go running scared? Not physically or literally as I am down with that, I definitely want a family and my husband and I are completely on the same page where this is concerned. But I mean conversationally running scared…. Because for some reason in the past I found I just won’t go there. Change of subject anyone?

As I’ve mentioned in my earlier posts, I’m coming up to “that age”, I’ve been married for long enough to count as “that many” years and the Mr and I are at “that stage” in our lives both in situation and stability to make “that decision”. I know it’s the next step, logically it makes sense and I do want kids, fiercely so. It’s just you know……. What happens if that’s not an option?

Like I said before I work in an industry filled with women. Not only that but I’m a confessional of sorts. You all know you tell your hairdresser things you don’t even consider telling your bestie. So it’s fair to say in my time I have heard a tale or two about conception. All the scary labour stories aside- Because I have forever burned those from my memories! I have held the hand of women and friends who have been told they will never naturally be a mother the traditional way, or as they recounted the story of how their partner has been told he can never naturally be a father the traditional way. I’ve commiserated with both friends and family when they have struggled with conceiving and learnt more than my share of information on IVF. I’ve talked through the reality of a pregnancy that may not have been planned and devastatingly so I have cried at the loss of a life not destined for this world. When it comes down to it, talk of doing the deed- baby wise I’ve heard a lot.

I always felt this combined with my experience with kids would be what would enable me to be prepared for the decision to have a baby and become a mother. Or more to the point with my logic at the time what I saw as opening the door to possible failure. I mean as anyone would say, It’s what women do right? We are born to be mothers? It happens, just don’t think about it. Easy!…Right? Perhaps not.

You see earlier this year I underwent some scans to determine why I was experiencing some pain and irregularities. I was talked through the process of scans, tests etc. and sent off to have some of my own. I remember thinking as I was looking at the imagery how awesome I was because I could blatantly see what I thought were healthy looking eggs in my ovaries, woo hoo! Go me! Little did I know these pearl like things are cysts. Or they were Polycystic in appearance to be more accurate. I had previously been told a few years ago through having had scans done that I wasn’t Polycystic so I didn’t even consider this an option. I mean doctors don’t get things wrong do they? Ha! So imagine my shock when I was told that I have polycystic ovaries. Possibly Syndrome, something that 1 in 3 women have.

Thankfully in my case, it’s not the worst thing that can happen to a woman trying to conceive. There are a lot of options beginning with the possibility that timed correctly I can still fall pregnant naturally, also there is the power of knowing what I am facing and having an answer to some rather concerning questions I had previously. There is also the reality of knowing other people with much worse challenges ahead of them then I have. But still knowing all of this didn’t make hearing the news any easier. I’m a strong woman, anyone who knows me knows I feel a lot for others but when it comes to my own emotion to be quite frank, I can be a little cold. But right after I got that call from my doctor I walked straight into the arms of one of my employees and cried. I literally couldn’t help it.

I have for along time played the hard ass who shrugs off the subject of kids, talking about my freedom of staying out at the pub with hubs if I want, I’ve done the whole cuddle the baby and then said the obligatory “I love them but I love giving them back”. And I do very much love my life, we have a very happy home filled with more than enough love just as it is and have great fun together just the two of us, I literally am not clamouring for that to change. But more and more lately I have thought to myself what if this way of thinking and all this bravado is all a protective measure? We all in general don’t like to face the reality of not being able to do something (I’m the queen of this particular trait) but couple that with the expectations of our gender and also most of the time our spouse or families and you have a world of anxiety and often times a feeling of failure that shouldn’t be there.

I remember catching up with my girlfriends one night going on 5 years ago now and we were talking about this and babies and discussing the problems we can all face. We decided we would always tell each other how things are going and not keep anything like this to ourselves like so many people do when faced with something like struggling to conceive or the decision of when to. And to be honest we have kept to this promise. Mostly we talk about what we are experiencing and it’s been incredibly helpful and a support unlike any other, I think the fact we acknowledged the (baby) elephant in the room and sometimes- awkwardly so- bring it up has helped when breaking the ice. It can be a difficult topic to broach but once done the stories and conversation just flows.

A lot of the time we as women feel we are alone in our struggles or that we shouldn’t talk about them. We can get angry about someone else’s joy or upset for ourselves and what we are missing and in turn keep these things inside. Through only recently being incredibly transparent when talking to my clients (because like I said earlier I was all about the avoidance) I have found I have benefitted from their experiences or those of someone they know. I have managed to help a few other people with finding the courage to look in to their concerns or talk with their friends and ask for help or emotional support. And of course My Husband and I have had more deeps and meanings on this subject then you can count which helps for both the obvious reason of keeping us both happy but also in making sure when I’m raging out on an emotional roller coaster for no apparent reason (we all do it) he knows why… well at least that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it for now.

Through all this talking and reflection, I’ve come to realise I’m ok with my lot in life (dodgy ovaries and all), I’m a great person to have in your corner and an awesome wife-just ask me. I’m a fair boss, loving daughter and supportive friend and sister. I think we were not made to be only one thing in life, we were made to be human and the little bumps along the way that we experience, and sometimes that can be within our own bodies are the things that make us, us and we should be ok with asking for advice, support or even just sharing our experiences cause you never know if someone you love is keeping something to herself too.

So whether me and the Mr fall or fail in the preggers game. Be that either tomorrow, next week or next year I am finally on board with my head and where it’s at. Even if it’s not the express to baby town I’m at least taking the ride and discovering that even if it never applies to me or perhaps if it does…*Gulp* Mum doesn’t need to be the naughty word.

A Mrs x